i've had a great deal of trouble sleeping lately, which has led to trying to find ways of keeping myself busy. last night i was digging through my closet looking at objects from childhood. there was some pretty sweet stuff in there. my old pete rose jersey from when i was a kid along with some ticket stubs dating back to reds games from '88. i also found my journal from fiji and began to read it. it was an odd thing looking through it and seeing the way my life is now from then. i thought about putting some of the excerpts here, but can't think of a good reason why.
it's depressing to read, because i can't shake the feeling that i've taken steps backwards from that time. i remember hearing once that it's good to ask God to show you from time to time in what ways you've grown, so that you can see the work He's done. i'm afraid to do that because i don't think i have grown. God blessed me and is blessing me tremendously since coming home. i feel incredibly undeserving, which is true. however, i feel like someone in a state of limbo spiritually.
that's a scary feeling. in 6 weeks i'll be married. God will have entrusted another life with mine, and we'll have to make decisions based on what his will is. how can i do that when i feel so lost at times spiritually? it brings about great thoughts of inadequacy. because i am. but it's harder to swallow when it's such a reality. which it is. something i read was the desire to be a greater leader upon coming back from fiji. i don't see it and that scares me.
all the dreams i once had are surrendered in favor for what his dreams are for us. but what are those dreams? i had it all figured out last summer. i came home running. but this summer is different. i'm sitting on my hands when i don't want to be.
anyways, next time i can't sleep i think i'll watch a movie or something and leave the boxes in the closet.
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